Monday, January 27, 2014

Bloopbert Breaking News! Leaked transcripts for Jay Carneys beard conference!

Here at Bloopbert News we have exclusive news that you won't see anywhere else!

We have obtained a transcript of a conference in the White House from before Christmas where they decided about the advantages of Jay Carney growing a beard for propaganda purposes. There should be absolutely no doubt about the authenticity of these transcripts since they came from an incredibly trustworthy anonymous source that has absolutely no credibility.

Jay there are a growing number of people that don't seem to believe you much any more and this is creating a problem which seriously needs to be a dressed.

What do you want me to do about it? I keep giving them the lines that you tell me to.

Yes of course but we still need to do something to make you seem more credible.

Perhaps we should review the material that we tell him to give the public and make sure it is more accurate.

(At this point everyone turns and stares at the junior aide who said that with shocked looks on their faces that seemed to make him feel uncomfortable.)

(With a friendly expression on his face one of the other aides asks:) Good point John, what exactly is it that you think is the problem with some of the material that we have been feeding to Jay so he can pass it on to the public?

Well some of the statements that we've been making haven't been close to the truth and perhaps they would believe us more often if we were more honest with them; for example the Affordable Care Act does absolutely nothing to reduce bureaucratic expenses like lobbying and advertising that are being passed on to the public and we shouldn't give them the impression that it does.

Excellent point John I'm really glad you brought that up.

Perhaps we should do exactly as you say.

I don't suppose you could come up with more suggestions about corrections like that that would help restore Jay's credibility?

Well I suppose I could come up with a few.

Great, I'm glad to hear that; this would be much more helpful if you could wright a report on that; do you think you could do that?

Well yea I guess I could do that.

Good I'm glad to hear that; I move that we adjourn this discussion until we get his report and move on the the other item on the agenda.

What would that be?

That would be a national security matter and I'm afraid you don't have the clearance for that yet but I would really appreciate it if you could get me that report as soon as possible.

(After he leaves everyone breaks out laughing.)

Can you believe he said that?

Yea we get those types once in a while but we know how to take care of them.

What are you going to do when he writes up his report especially if he does a good job.

Are you kidding he'll never get it done by the time he has a chance to start it I'll arrange for him to be given some useless task that is presented as an emergency and then within a few weeks we'll arrange to have him transferred to Alaska or something so he'll never come up with those types of suggestions again.

Lets get back to business how do we figure out a way to improve Jay's image without actually addressing the concerns of the majority of the public. I think What we really need is a way to make him look real folksy kind of like Fred Thompson only we want to target a more liberal constituency that might not like his politics.

Yea that Fred Thompson seems really friendly to conservatives and they seem to fall for just about everything he does. He has a lot of old people buying into the reverse mortgage scam so that we can find a way to impose a virtual death tax on the lower classes without implementing it on the richest of us.

Yea that is great and he did an excellent job peddling all that gold for a while until they pulled the plug on the company he pretested.

I don't remember that.

That is the great thing; neither does hardly anyone else so they just started doing the same thing all over again with a different name; and the company actually went right back into the scam and everyone forgot about and they fell for it all over again.

But we need a more liberal version so we can convince the Democratic patsies to fall for it.

What do you think should he wear an earring or grow a beard or something?

Right wingers will go wild over an ear ring and we'll never hear the end of it.

How about the beard then?

Yea I think that would be much better and they might talk about it a lot so we can reduce the amount of time that we have to spend actually addressing the issues, not that we've had problems coming up with ways to do this.

What do you think Jay do you want to grow a beard?

(Jay smirks and rubs his chin.) I don't know.

Come on Jay do it for the team.

Well OK since you put it that way I'll do it. Do you want me to start growing it right away?

Maybe it would work better if you got a head start for a little while so it wouldn't look like Nixon's five O'clock shadow. How about if you take a fewdays off during the Christmas season and come back from vacation with a beard?

That sounds good; I guess I could do that. after it grows for a while do you think I should let it get really long and perhaps even try to appeal to the Patriotic people by wearing a flag as a bandana?

It might appeal to peoples patriotic views and still seem cool.

I don't know if we should go that far quite yet but we can think about it for the future.

Yea perhaps we should do a study on that look to find out if it will backfire; we can have the public relationship people do that.

In the meantime Jen Psaki's doing a great job flirting with the public and acting as if all the issues she deals with is a joke and a lot of the zombies are falling for that hook line and sinker.

Yea that works especially well with the guys and a lot of the girls to that want to be the cool girl in high school.

She can be dumb as a door nail and people will fall for it every time as long as she flirts with them.

The White House was unwilling to respond to questions about whether or not he decided to shave his beard after hearing that this transcript may have been leaked. They claim that he shaves so that he could rig a bet for Ann Compton to avoid discussing it any further.

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